I will never be alone

Here's the lyrics to a new song that I wrote today:

I Will Never Be Alone

Oh Lord,

I’m weary, broken. I need Healing. I can’t do this all on my own. I’m weak and tired, I don’t want to be alone.

But you’re with me. You heal me. You give me strength to make it through. You show me what I need to do. Oh Lord, fill me with peace and your grace. Help me to seek your face. I need you.

Oh Lord,

I’m falling, so fast. It’s appalling. Two steps forward and one step back. It’s so hard to stay on track

But you’re with me. You heal me. You give me strength to make it through. You show me what I need to do. Oh Lord, fill me with peace and your grace. Help me to seek your face. I need you.

Oh Lord,

I come before you. Humbled, I adore you. I can’t do this all on my own. I love you Lord, and I will never be alone

Cuz’ you’re with me. You heal me. You give me strength to make it through. You show me what I need to do. Oh Lord, fill me with peace and your grace. Help me to seek your face. I need you.

MariAnne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Climbing Back Up the Mountain

I simply love the moments when God directly reveals to me exactly what I need to hear!

Yesterday, I had a lacrosse game. It was an important game, because it determined who we would play first in playoffs this weekend. As a goalie, i feel a lot of pressure to play flawlessly, because if I mess up, the scoreboard shows it. The game was turned in to an uphill battle when it started to hail and snow, and became quite windy. It was miserable weather to be outside in. To make matters worse, I could not find my game. I was trying to mentally stay in it, but I was having a terrible game. I felt distanced from it emotionally and physically. Finally, in overtime, I got my act together and started to stop the shots coming at me. My team played awesome throughout the whole game! We pulled ahead and won during overtime..

This morning we were supposed to play our first game of playoffs. When I woke up, I prayed that God would speak to me through my devotions. He did.

The devo for today out of "my utmost for his highest" by Oswald Chambers put in to words what I needed to hear. It gave me a new mindset and perspective for games like yesterday, and for life when the circumstances aren't matching up to what I'd like them to be.

Let me try to sum up the devo: We all have moments when we feel we are at the top of our game. We're standing on top of the mountain and feel better than ever before... ready to face whatever the world is going to bring our way. But we are not meant to live forever in moments like this. When we are not on the top of the mountain, it can be so easy to shut down. But Chambers writes, "yet we must bring our everyday life up to the standard revealed to us on the mountaintop when we were there." When we are feeling defeated, down, or unable, it is easy to say "oh how wonderful it would feel to be on that mountain top again." but that is not going to get us there! When we are longing for the mountain top experience, hopeful wishing won't get us there. We must act! "we must pick ourselves up by the back of the neck and shake off our fleshly laziness. Laziness can always be seen in our cravings for a mountaintop experience." We need to learn how to live our every day, plain, "gray" lives in light of what we've learned when we saw when we were atop the mountain.

So when I face games like yesterdays, or days where I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up on what I'm doing, I can take encouragement from this. Every day is not supposed to be easily conquered. I've had good days, and can use the strength from those good days to help pull myself up on the "gray" days. I can choose to kick my laziness, doubts, and pessimism out the door and to replace it with hard work, determination, and optimism.

Waking Up on the Right Side of the Bed

Some days, I just want to stay under my covers and pretend like there aren't classes to be attended, tests to be taken, practices to be at, work to do, conflicts to sort out... Satan likes to get inside my head and tell me I'm weak, and that I don't have the strength I need to get through my day or whatever task is before me. My mind gets diverted from the end goal by the distractions to my left and right. When my focus is sidetracked, every aspect of my life seems much more cloudy.

I hate feeling pessimistic about life. I know that there is so much for me to be thankful for, yet sometimes it can be difficult to climb out of the self-pity pit. When sitting in this pit, life loses its colorfulness. Everything becomes a bland shade of gray. I can imagine that Satan just loves when I'm in this mood.

There are different ways to rise above this bleak dreary pit. It requires an intentionality; a decision to look on the bright side. It requires a perspective change. In their song Perspectives, Kutless writes "why can't you see freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away? Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment, would you still be the same?" It requires surrender of selfishness and pride, and a reliance on God to provide and help us get through each day, each task, as it comes.

No matter what the world or Satan tries to tell us, we are not powerless. We are where we are for a reason and for such a time as this. We need to keep an eternal perspective and keep our eyes on the end-goal and run our race of life in such a way as to win the prize. (1 Cor 9:24)

Here is a verse that's been a huge encouragement and a great reminder to me lately of what my perspective should be when I rise each day:

Romans 8:37-39 ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Happily Ever After...

Fairytales and Princess Stories, Romance Novels, and many Romantic movies portray a type of love that many would today deem as unrealistic or make-believe. The Happily Ever After endings seem to be fanciful and intangible.

In today's culture, divorce rates are sky-high. Dating seems to becoming more and more a thing to simply fill in the gaps for a short while, until it's no longer convenient or new and exciting. The words "I Love You" are overused and undervalued.

I believe our culture has accustomed us to believe that love comes and goes with our emotions. That it's subjective. I'd begun to lose hope throughout the years of the possibility of someday finding that Happily Ever After, Till Death do us Part, kind of love.

However, my hope was reset when i was working at the nursing home: There is a lady in her upper 80s who recently moved in to our nursing home. She is a very pleasant woman and is with it mentally, but her body is failing her. She fatigues very easily. (I will call her Mae) The nurse told us that Mae's husband wanted her to lay down. My coworker and I went to find her so that we could help her lay down. Her husband was visiting with her. (I will call him Eddy) Eddy gets around on a motorized scooter. He still lives at their home, but comes in every day to visit his Mae. Mae, in her wheelchair, was facing Eddy in his scooter. Eddy had Mae's hand in his and was speaking softly to her when we approached them.

He looked up from Mae when we asked him if he'd like us to lay her down. "I think that'd be a great idea."--was his response. I put my hands on Mae's wheelchair to bring her towards her room. Eddy looked up at my coworker and I and said, "you girls take good care of my Mae. I just love her so much." We assured him we would take good care of her. My coworker asked Eddy if he'd like to kiss Mae goodbye. He said, "well I almost forgot the most important part!" he drove his scooter nearer to the side of Mae's wheelchair. They both leaned in and he gave her a sweet, long kiss. Mae smiled and said "see you next time dear." Eddy told her he'd be back the next day and began to drive away. Mae called after him in her weak voice, "Goodbye Babe!" Eddy stopped his scooter, looked at his wife, and said, "I love you Mae."

This example of life-long love gave me so much peace and hope! I think this could be a great example for our world to see. Our culture may be advertising a temporary, superficial love, but that isn't the only option. I know life wasn't always easy for Eddy and Mae, but their "happily ever after, till death do us part" love carried them through. This is the type of love that is worth giving away your heart for and being vulnerable for.

Holding on to Firsts...

Firsts are exciting.

First steps. First day without a diaper. First day of school. First sleepover. First basketball game. First crush. First pimple. (okay maybe that wasn't so exciting) First date. First hand-hold. First day of college.... you get the picture.

We are continually facing new firsts. Though they can be intimidating, they are simultaneously exhilarating. I remember being so eager to go to my first day of school! I would've liked to go a year sooner than was allowed if I could've! I thought I was so ready to face that first day. And now, here I sit in a college library.. still in school. Don't get me wrong, these past 13 years of school have been great. But I don't think I realized as an eager 4-year old what a first day of school meant... a thousand more days of school.

Firsts are great things, when the time is right. One of the greatest things about firsts, is that we can never get them back. On the other hand, this could be a tragic thing as well. Some firsts are unavoidable. The first day of school had to come. It was just a matter of time until that first pimple appeared.

But some firsts happen within our control. Granted, they will most likely happen eventually, but they are often all the sweeter and more valuable if we take our time and don't be too eager for that "first" to happen.

Recently, as i was talking to a friend, we were talking about some recent firsts in our lives. I expressed my longing to have the day of a certain first come. My friend quite wisely put me in my place. She said, "Don't rush it. Wait. You can never have that first again."

That made me stop instantly and consider the value of some firsts. They will truly only be firsts once. I decided that I'm going to let the firsts happen as they must, and I'm going to be picky about letting the firsts happen which I can control. I want to have my first at its full value, and never have to regret it, or question myself about it.

I'm holding on to my firsts.

If we get too wordy, people will lose interest.

But if we don't share a word, people may never be interested.

If we get too busy, people will think they aren't worth our time.

If we don't stop and look someone in the eyes, they'll think we aren't listening.

If we don't listen, people may stop talking.

If we don't say what needs to be said, people may never hear it.

If people never hear what needs to be said, they may lose hope.

If people lose hope, it's going to be all the harder to reach them.

Without hope, it's easier and easier to fall in to a soundproof dark pit.

I'm finding it's really hard to know what to say sometimes. When friends are in that seemingly soundproof dark pit, I have told myself I don't know how to reach them. But I realized today, that all I have to do, is share a word, and be willing to stop and listen. All I have to do is let them know I am interested, so that they don't lose hope and stop talking. I tell myself I don't know what to say, but really, I know all to well what to say. It's getting the courage to say it that's the hard part. I don't need to have the "right words" all the time to begin to share a word.

But if I don't step out in love, and be there for her, who will? If i don't let her know I'm interested in her life and that I am here for her, where will she turn? Commitment, Vulnerability, and Accountability.... friendship...